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Darwinism Gone Wild
 by: J Square Humboldt

I have been unable to verify the claim that this essay was written in a prestigious publication, but it is a witty use of twisted logic ...

"Please make sure your read this carefully. It may change the way you think about your life and career.

"The following is an actual excerpt from a past issue Forbes Magazine:

"A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

"This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.

"In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

"Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving a university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates.

"Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieve during their college years.

"So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge, we must not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint.

"Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be.

"Forward this to all of your friends, acquaintances and coworkers that may be in danger of losing their edge. And remember, 'Red meat is not bad for you, fuzzy green meat is bad for you.'"

And that is a classic example of thinking outside the box, as long as that box is a half-rack.

About The Author

J Square Humboldt is the featured columnist at the Longer Life website, which is dedicated to providing information, strategies, analysis and commentary designed to improve the quality of living. His page can be found at and his observations are published three times per week.

This article was posted on January 03, 2006


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