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Welcome Aboard, Chief Justice Roberts
 by: Bob Smith

Hello, Mr. Roberts!

Let me be the first to welcome you to your first full day here at your new job of Chief Justice of the Supreme Court! I know you'll enjoy working here as much as we do. I'm sure you're ready to get started, so let's get some basic hiring work out of the way and then we'll show you around.

First of all we'll need you to fill out some paperwork. Let's see... Here we go... We have your tax forms and a few confidentiality forms which you'll need to fill out today. We have some "Emergency Contact" forms, just in case something happens. Sorry they're a little messy. Our photocopier has been putting spots on everything lately and we haven't been able to get the guy in to fix it yet.

Later in the week we'll send you over to the lab for a drug test and you'll want to sit down with our benefits person sometime in the next five days to discuss your health insurance options. You can take this folder with you and look through it when you get a chance. Oh, and you won't be eligible for retirement benefits for the first six months you're here, but then we have a few pretty good plans to choose from.

Let's see.. what else?? Oh, you'll need to take our mandatory sexual harrasment training program within the first 30 days of working here. There's a two hour video and then a little quiz at the end. I know, it's kind of boring, but rules are rules! You'll do fine and you might even learn a little something.

I think that's it for the paperwork... Okay, Mr. Roberts, hold your arms out. No, not in front of you. Out from your sides. There you go! Let's me just measure here...and here. Yep, just as I thought...

Here a couple sets of "Large" robes for you. They should fit perfectly! You'll be responsible for keeping them clean and pressed. If you show up to work with a stain on them we'll have to just send you home to get another set. You get two new sets of robes every year because the backside tends to wear out rather quickly. If you want you can order a spare set and have the cost taken out of your paycheck. But when you do give them at least two weeks to arrive because they come all the way from China.

And because you're the Chief Justice you also get this gavel! If I were you I'd use a Sharpie and write my initials on the bottom of the handle, just to prevent any misunderstandings.

While we're talking about dress code you should know that we generally frown upon wearing sneakers or open-toed shoes into court. Every Thursday is "jeans" day, though most people outside the court don't even notice. And, just to make sure we're clear on this, you are expected to wear pants under your robes at all times. Chief Justice Rehnquist liked to conveniently "forget" that rule from time to time.

And while we're on the topic of fun, please don't think we're stuffy all stuffy here. Yes, our work is serious and important, but we like to have fun, too. The last Friday of every month we shut down the court two hours early and have a pizza party in the private chambers. It's a fun way to unwind and relax with the other Justices. Justice Scalia will try to trick you into buying the beer by telling you it's a long-standing tradition dating back to 1834, but don't believe a word of it. He tries that with all the new Justices. Oh, and please, whatever you do, don't mention "ferrets" around Justice Ginsburg.

Okay... Your office is right down this hall on the right. Here are your keys so you can give it a shot.... Yeah, that's the right key. Just jiggle it. Now push. There you!

You can open a few windows to get that "old person" smell out of here. You might also want to call and have the cleaning people give the place a good once over. It hasn't been used for a while, as you can see. Oh, and because this was Rehnquist's office you might want to make sure they scrub the chair extra well. I don't want to think about that "no pants" thing on that leather.

Here's your computer... You login with your first initial and your last name. No spaces. No, use the Backspace key. No, the Backspace key, that's Delete. There you go. Try again. Okay. Now hit the Tab key to go to your password. That's the Spacebar. Hit Backspace again. No, that's the arrow key. Yeah, that's Backspace. Okay, now Tab. Over here. Good. Now type in your password. The default is "supreme" but you'll be asked to change that. Oh, wait. Your Caps Lock is on. Turn it off. No, that's Shift. Here, I'll do it. Okay... Good. Now use your mouse and click the OK button. Good!

Now type in another password. No, it can't be the same. Yeah, you can just put a number on the end of the default. That isn't very secure. Okay, yes, it's easy to remember. Fine for now. Now let it load. There you go! Here are all your programs. And here are shortcuts to your shared drives. We have a basic computer training class you can attend for all new employees. I'll call our IT department and put you on the schedule.

I think that's about it for now, Mr. Roberts! Please feel free to make yourself at home! Restrooms are down the hall and to the left and the breakroom is just past that. We have two snack vending machines, a soda machine and a microwave down there. We had a toaster, but Justice Thomas shoved a fork into it two weeks ago and...well...let's just say it wasn't pretty. The man is just not technically inclined. Oh, we also have a coffeepot down there and you can imagine that gets quite a lot of use here! You can bring in your own mug if you want, but you're responsible for cleaning it. I hope you like coffee strong, because that's the only way Justice Souter knows how to make it.

Again, welcome to the Supreme Court of the United States, Mr. Roberts. I'm sure you'll like it here. And, for goodness sakes, you already got the job so you can wipe that silly grin off your face. Please....

About The Author

Bob Smith is a writer for the office humor blog www.ThreePartialWalls.com. Bob's office adventures are sometimes scary, often hilarious, always entertaining.

This article was posted on November 07, 2005

 

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